He fills my soul with laughter

2007-03-11T18:44:00.000-07:00

Here are some rather dumb inventions!

* Battery-Powered Battery Charger

* Black Highlighter

* Book: "How to Read"

* Braille Driver's Manual

* Clear Correction Fluid

* Fake Rhinestones

* Fireproof Matches

* Glow-in-the-dark Sunglasses.

* Mesh Umbrella

* Mind Reader Device that reads your own mind.

* Motorcycle Air Conditioner

* Screen Door on a Submarine

* Solar-Powered Flashlight.

* Sugar-Coated Toothpaste

* Super-glue Post-it Notes

* Dehydrated Water

* Trash Can on a Motorbike

* Book on Tap Dancing for Amputes

* Glow-in-the-Dark Sun Dial

* Ejector Seat in a Helicoptor

2007-02-11T19:02:00.000-08:00

This is a joke that my science teacher read a while ago and I thought it was funny. Hope you like it.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

2007-01-18T11:06:00.000-08:00

What would happen if you mix Star Wars
together with Phantom of the Opera.
Well this is what it would be like.

How did you like it?

Just some random jokes

2007-01-18T05:11:00.000-08:00

During a visit to an insane asylum, a visitor asked the Director what were the criteria defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "One test is that we fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the teaspoon or the teacup."
"Well, no," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then .......... Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

2007-01-04T17:05:00.000-08:00

Okay so I know Christmas is over but I found this information that I thought you should know. If you believe in Santa Clause please do not read any further. So now I am going to answer some very important question about Santa.

1) There are 378 million children (persons under 18) in the world, according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

2) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

3) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

4) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

2006-11-26T18:44:00.000-08:00

Most people assume WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?"But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says,"God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to,"pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." - Psalm 83:15.

Perhaps, God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain"until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." - Exodus 19:13.

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda, but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's Gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." - John 12:49

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda"The Apostles were in one Accord." !!!! - Acts 5:12

Okay well I hope you enjoyed these!

2006-11-20T13:33:00.000-08:00

Okay I made a deal that if OSU won the game that I would post that they are the best. Now this was a deal and this not what I think but what I say. O and It will never happen again. One more thing the deal I made stated nothing about how long this post had to stay on my blog so it won't be here long (trust me).
OSU is the best
There happy now I go back and say:
MICHIGAN IS THE ULTIMATE BEST!

2006-11-14T08:10:00.000-08:00

Since the Michigan Ohio game is coming up I thought I would find some facts about it.
The Michigan-Ohio State rivalry is an intense rivalry between the University of Michigan and the Ohio State University football teams. The annual game between Michigan and Ohio State has been held at the end of the regular season since 1935.
HISTORY:
The rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan can be traced back to a feud between their respective states which began in 1835. The state of Ohio and the Michigan Territory fought a bloodless conflict with one another in a border dispute known as the Toledo War. Some have proposed that the college football rivalry is a modern manifestation of this historical tension.
NOW:
Through the first eleven weeks of the 2006 season, Ohio State and Michigan are both 11-0 and ranked #1 and #2 respectively in the Bowl Championship Series rankings. The winner of the their game on November 18 will be the outright Big Ten champion and play for a national championship. As such, this year's contest has been widely touted as a "game for the ages".
The 2006 game is the first time that Ohio State and Michigan will meet ranked #1 and #2 in the country. Michigan has won 57 games against Ohio, and Ohio has won only 39 against Michigan . I thought you people would want to know that.

2006-10-30T17:46:00.000-08:00

Think You Know Everything?

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister and was a sniper in Vietnam.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

... now you know everything.

2006-10-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

ROOLZ

2006-10-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

Hey everybody! Okay so I came back to this blog and it's the last one. Okay I want you to guess who this person is in the picture (you know him) Good luck

2006-09-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

Okay so I had some problems with my blog so right now u can't comment sorry i am going to try to fix it soon. The Amazing race was awsome if u want the full details of what happend go here (www.jesusfreak4e.blogspot.com/) or (www.erhembree.blogspot.com/) ya they wrote books on it. But it was alot of fun my favorite part was the hiking(ya right) it was the wet, slippery and hard part of the hike i didn't care for otherwise it was fun. Then yesterday we had the picinic and that was fun. I really enjoyed the ball game. Okay I will post again soon. PEACE